I decided to post a pic of me. Yes, that scar IS from my drug use. Meth caused my face to break out. and it caused me to pick the itchy scars that it left.
I don’t hide the scars. Its a big part of who I am now. Is there a shame in it? Yes, probably. And are the scars ugly? You bet. But I need to be able to see them. I need to have a visual reminder of how Meth TRULY scarred my life.
And those scars affect how others interact with me. Many know how I got them. Doctors are more reluctant to give me medication, and I am constantly asked if I have anything to sell.No, I don’t sell anything any more. I learned that lesson the hard way!
I think the hardest part about it though are the invisible scars it created. I am scarred by the loss of my children. I am scarred by the break in trust with the around me. It hurts me that Staff will automatically quiz me every time I request medical aid, or even a Tylenol.It has delayed emergency treatment at least once, while they wasted time deciding if my seizures were from a drug overdose or my head injury. (I have been sober almost a month now!!!!)On many occasions,they have denied me Tylenol for real pain caused by injury. But the biggest scar is the one left when my Ma cut me off. Her breaking all contact truly scarred me worse than anything.
But the scars will heal. Slowly the physical scars will scab over and stop bleeding. Eventually they may only be faint discolorations. Signs of a life that had a lot of pain. The emotional scars will heal too. Trust may redevelop between me, doctors and staff. I may see my kids again, even if I don’t get them back in my custody. And someday, I hope to reconnect with Ma.
For now, all I can do is stay clean. I can hang out at the Arid club and attend AA, NA and CMA meetings. I can meet and talk to sponsors regularly. I can place more faith in GOD as he can deal with all my issues better than I ever could. And I can keep up with the desire to stay sober!
