But during that time, I hit 90 days sober! Its just sad that the only way I got it was by being hospitalized.

Another plus is that my seizures have finally gotten under control. I only have the little ones. And they’re down to less than 30 a day.

This is what caused the problem. First, they decided to move my bed while I was in hospital. Then they took the mats away. I would have understood that if the mats were being used for other cliants and were needed on the beds. Which is what staff said. But all the beds already HAVE mats, and these ones are locked in the cage! not even being used. And while I was in hospital they threw out one of my shower shoes,because I hadn’t put it in my bag on my bed. GOOD grief! So now if I have a seizure and arch backwards I am expected to either land on the cement floor or on a stuffed pig they provided. Ok. So when I can’t control what my body is doing I am supposed to exactly figure out the location of a stuffed animal???????

Then I moved my bed back next to Helen.A staff member decided that we Must be doing something inappropriate and had to be stopped. So he moved my bed again. I moved it back and told him tthe director wanted it where it was. So all night he walked by my bed every 12 minutes muttering just loud enough for me to hear. “this is going to change” “You WILL move” “I’m going to fix this”. Granted this is the staff member that I wrote up because he denied me medical aid when I asked him to call the paramedics. So he’s already a bit peeved with me.

I ended up in hospital again! and the dr said it was partly from stress and anciety because I am feeling threatened in the shelter. No kidding? really?????

I got back last night,Monday, just in time for a fight. One lady accused another of stealing her stuff. Which she probably had. Since this lady is known to walk away with property that doesn’t belong to her. But anyhow. it was rather nasty.

I am sick of having to see cops every other day because grown women act like two year olds!

I don’t hide the scars. Its a big part of who I am now. Is there a shame in it? Yes, probably. And are the scars ugly? You bet. But I need to be able to see them. I need to have a visual reminder of how Meth TRULY scarred my life.

And those scars affect how others interact with me. Many know how I  got them. Doctors are more reluctant to give me medication, and I am constantly asked if I have anything to sell.No, I don’t sell anything any more. I learned that lesson the hard way!

I think the hardest part about it though are the invisible scars it created. I am scarred by the loss of my children. I am scarred by the break in trust with the  around me. It hurts me that Staff will automatically quiz me every time I request medical aid, or even a Tylenol.It has delayed emergency treatment at least once, while they wasted time deciding if my seizures were from a drug overdose or my head injury. (I have been sober almost a month now!!!!)On many occasions,they have denied me Tylenol for real pain caused by injury. But the biggest scar is the one left when my Ma cut me off. Her breaking all contact truly scarred me worse than anything.

But the scars will heal. Slowly the physical scars will scab over and stop bleeding. Eventually they may only be faint discolorations. Signs of a life that had a lot of pain. The emotional scars will heal too. Trust may redevelop between me, doctors and staff. I may see my kids again, even if I don’t get them back in my custody. And someday, I hope to reconnect with Ma.

For now, all I can do is stay clean. I can hang out at the Arid club and attend AA, NA and CMA meetings. I can meet and talk to sponsors regularly. I can place more faith in GOD as he can deal with all my issues better than I ever could. And I can keep up with the desire to stay sober!

I am grateful for a real bed to lay on.

I am grateful for clean sheets,a pillow and a blanket.

I am grateful for one (if not two) full warm meals a day.

I am grateful for access to laundry and a shower.

I am grateful I have people to talk to and help me.

I am grateful I have access to a job board.

I am grateful I can go to church every day if I so choose.

I am grateful I have a locker for the few belongings I haven’t sold,or traded for drugs.

I am grateful To no longer be on the street.

I am grateful I can wake up in the morning and know where I am and who I’ve been with.

I am grateful to be able to sleep, instead of spending 72 hours awake at a time.

I am grateful someone I don’t know and never will cared enough to force me into Watkins.

I am Grateful to be sober today!

Everything around me is falling apart. I have lost my children, the one thing that I was hanging on to. Their adoptions are now finalized.I cry every day for them. Even though I know they have a much better chance at life now. I know having them adopted was the best thing. But for me, it feels like the worst.I pass by the school Yahira attends and watched them play at recess. I wish I could have said hello.

Last night I ended up in hospital again. I must have had a seizure. but I don’t really remember it. All I remember was a staff member holding on to me and asking if I was ok. but I didn’t understand what she was saying. And then there were three of them. And 4 fire men! and all shouting that I had to answer them. I was trying so hard! but I couldn’t! I couldn’t remember English! and I didn’t know what happened anyway. I had somehow gotten from where I had been to the staff table and asked for help before falling over. But i don’t remember that. andthat’s scary!

It’s really hard for me right now. But I still haven’t “gone out” I am clean and sober. Life hurtsreal bad, but I am not going to start my old habits again. it isn’t worth it.

They think I had a seizure and a mini-stroke. I couldn’t even respond to the staff member that piicked me up!She kept asking my name,and I couldn’t think of it!!!!!

At the urgent care, they accused me of just trying to get more meds. The old me would have done exactly that. But I DIDN’T!!! It hurts that they even accused me of it. Here I was barely able to move and not responsive at all and I couldn’t even defend against that accusation.But lu7ckily one of the other drs knew me, and knows I really do have seizures regularly.

I didn’t get back until 6 am. just inj time to hear, “Ladies, time to get up!”

Anyway, somehow I managed to be in the front, because I am disabled and possibly pregnant. Someone else got really pissed off about that and shoved me forward as I tried to climb in.My head hit the door. HARD. Staff actually heard the crack. I was taken to hospital immediately.

Since then, I have been having seizures. I haven’t had those in like 5 years!!!!!So now I am back on meds. And I hate that, because I had been doing really good staying off painpills,and I don’t want to get addicted all over again!!!!

I can’t believe I ended up in hospital because a group of adults decide to act like two year olds instead! It isn’t fair,really.

days without alcohol:9 (relapsed,boo. =( )

days using perscriptions as perscribed: 22

days without cutting: 15

And for once it was NOT something I did to myself. I didn’t OD or cut or anything like that. It was a seizure. I hate those! They think it was caused when I hit my head on the van going home. ( a different blog!)

I have had so many shots and IV’s that I am beginning to feel like a pin cushion! But at least I’m fixed, and able to go home.

First, wee are woken up at 5:30 am and all the women stampede out to the kitchen area for coffee. This is all we are served in the morning. and if you sleep past six, you don’t get any. There IS a chance that you can eat at the local St. Vincent De Paul,but only if you catchthe van by 7:30.

Anyway, after the mad coffee dash there is a run to get to one of the 2 showers. That’s right, 2 showers for 150 women who all have to be out of the building by 8:30 am or we get written up by staff.Sometimes this causes issues.

Between 6:30 and 8:30, the vans go out. 9 seaters. We are dropped of at the day center and from there either go to work, drs. appointments, case management appointments or just leave to go hang out till the 3:30.

I stay at the day center in the mornings and clean the toilets.I really have nothing elsee to do, and it counts for my community service.

After lunch at St. Vinnies I go to my daily meetings. I am eaither at “ritzzy women in the zone” (AA) or Hope dealers(CMA). Do I like that? not really. I grumble about it a lot. but I haven’t missed a meeting yet!

I take a nap when I get back. Most of us do. then at 5:30 we line up for dinner. Its not always a good dinner, but it’s food, and it’s warm.

Then its bed time. I usually read or talk to the lady on the bed next to mine.

Lights out is 9:00. But honestly most of us are already asleep by then. after all we know to, because at 5:00 AM we start all over.